Imagines...

Imagine spending years watching all of your friends have children while you suffer quietly and painfully with infertility

Imagine wishing to have a little baby to show proudly to your father and have him play with him and feed him pizza sauce as he did to you

Imagine finding out you are pregnant just two short months after your father has died of terminal cancer

Imagine watching your belly swell, hearing the heartbeat for the first time and the first flutters of movement that with time turn into real hard kicks

Imagine working with an angel who recognizes the symptoms of severe pregnancy induced hypertension while in your 31st week.

Imagine being admitted to hospital and put on bedrest* being told that delivery of the baby was the only thing to save your life and possibly your baby's

Imagine the only thing that gets you through the next few days is denial*denial that this isn't happening to me, that things are just fine when they aren't

Imagine wondering if your baby that you have wished for for so long will live long enough for you to hold him

Imagine eight hours after being induced the baby's heart rate is lost and you are wisked out of the caseroom for a 'crash' c-section

Imagine the look on your husband's face as they wheel you out of the room too fast, trying to tell him or anyone that would listen to you to tell him that everything was going to be fine, that we will be okay, wondering yourself if it would be

Imagine .the feeling of being 'lifted', the feeling of arms being wrapped around you and the ultimate knowledge that everything will be all right through His doing

Imagine waking up in such intense agonizing pain* your husband brushing your hair telling you that you have a beautiful little boy and replying 'yes, I know' because for some reason you did know

Imagine wondering if your child cried when he was born and who was the first to hold him and touch him

Imagine being too sick to see your little boy for two full days, only having a few pictures of him in your hands while you drifted in and out of consciousness to remind you what you need to live for

Imagine finally hauling yourself into a wheelchair to see your tiny baby, your whole body shaking from pain, sickness and the drugs*.to have such determination to let nothing stop you from seeing him

Imagine finally meeting your baby, holding this precious little bundle in your arms for a few moments and being reassured that the nurses will take care of him while you get yourself better

Imagine the next day being able to walk to the NICU and actually hold your baby bare skin to bare skin, and count all his tiny fingers and toes

Imagine having to leave the hospital because you are now well enough to go home, only to have to leave your baby there

Imagine spending 21 days with the NICU staff, now able to detach your baby from the complex mess of wires, tubes and machines that your baby is surrounded by

Imagine waking in the middle of the night at home alone wondering if your child is ok, if he is crying for you, wondering if he even knows who you are

Imagine your child is nine days old and you are readmitted to hospital and told you have suffered two potentially fatal pulmonary embolisms*to hold your child that afternoon uncertain of your future, and saying a final goodbye to your son

Nicole Neidig
mother of Emmett, 32 weeker, 3lb 10 oz 16 inches